So I haven't updated in a few days and a lot has happened. Yeahyuh .. You know what's up. But I have no time to say it now. All I can tell you .. Is that Dan is not going to be in my life as my "significant other" and he's still in Georgia with the slut. He can go for it! I'll tell all details later on.

Oh yeahhhhh ..

Stefanie

So yesterday I stayed in all day. Good I did it. I needed to sleep. Think about some things. I got a lot of that done. Darren called. He almost came over, but he was in no state to drive. I'm so glad we can hang out again and be comfortable around eachother. I feel like I finally have our friendship back.

I helped Jen on a project last night. She had to do it on the Industrial Revolution. I know it's so intriguing. I bet everyone that reads this shit hole journal is like: Ooo. Ahh. Since it's just so awesome.

So this song is how I feel about Dan, I'm not going to put the whole thing in. But it sure enough makes me feel like I'm not alone in this God-forsaken situation since someone was able to write it.

He said I was all he had ever needed.
But love is blind and little did I know,
You were just another dead end road,
Made with pretty lies and broken dreams.
Baby leavin you is easier than bein gone.
I don't know what I'll do if one more thing goes wrong.
I'd sure hate to break down here,
Nothin up ahead or in the rear view mirror.
Out in the middle of no where, knowin,
I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rollin.
So God help me, keep me movin somehow.
Don't let me start wishin I was with him now.
I made it this far without cryin a single tear.
And I'd sure hate to break down here.
---Julie Roberts

Dustin's Funny Saying: You could say you have a really open relationship like Georgia Slut and her man ..

Darren called this morning .. I almost went over there. But I didn't. I guess I still have things to clear up with myself before I can spend time with him, or any guy at that. Even if it's just in a friendship way. I can't keep my thoughts from drifting to Dan and I don't think Darren deserves to hear me ramble on and on about how broken hearted I am.

Jen didn't go to school. That retard. I might have to pimp slap her .. Haha ..

Dan's in Texas, I think. That's what he told Jen. After he was dropping Georgia Slut off he was going there to think about some things. He better think about where me and him are heading because right now it's looking like a dead end road if it isn't already ..

Later On ..

Stefanie

So .. After that eventful night a few nights ago. I went to the Mad Hatter's Show. It was definatley kick ass. Jon and Brandon showed up. And so did Dustin randomly. It was totally crazy. I hung out with Graham and all the fellah's mainly. Good to have the guys around when I'm in a shitty mood. I haven't talked to Dan since that night at Dawn's. I tried calling this morning .. To no avail, I got his voicemail. I did leave a decent one though. It just told him to please call me back. I'm finally ready to talk to him. I guess we'll call it closure. Or maybe a new beginning. I guess we'll see whenever he calls or I see him.

I hurt really bad inside. It's like a sharp pain in my chest whenever I think about him. So I try not to think about him naturally. But then I feel an emptiness sweep over me and once again .. I'm drawn to memories of us together. It's quite pitiful. But I really did fall for him. I loved laughing with him. And laying with him. And wrestling with him. And just being with him. I was comfortable with him .. I miss that comfort. I think that's why Georgia Slut thinks that he's so wonderful. Because he is .. But he's obviously still a typical guy that's capable of screwing girls over royally.

So a girl who's name will be left a mystery had a very ironic thing happen to her this weekend. I don't find humor in it .. But you may ..

Girl and Johnny are upstairs in a bedroom, fooling around. There's a sudden knock on the door. Girl's best friend comes running up the stairs and says, "Johnny, your wife is here." So his wife runs up the stairs see's Girl and Johnny naked. His wife slaps the shit out of him .. Makes Girl go and meet his KIDS. Yes, his kids. And Girl and her best friend spend the whole day crying over a stupid asshole that broke her heart.

So for the record. Lying and cheating people get no where in my life.

So last night Jen and I went and hung out with Brandon, Jon, Daniel, and Erika. We had fun. Jon, Jen, and I ended up going down to the Whiskey and singing. We rocked the mic, as usual. Haa.

Well my fish, whom I've named Killah if I haven't stated that yet, is in dire need of a clean fishbowl. I decided I wasn't going to name him what Dan wanted to since it would bring back MORE memories. And that's the last thing I need.

SCHEDULE!
First Semester:
1) Honer's English IV - Walker
2) Tech Theater - Clayton
3) Honor's Ensemble - Sugerik
4) Psyc/Sociology - Duncan

Second Semester:
1) Creative Writing - Luedtke (Sweet)
2) Spanish 2 - Pinnick
3) Honor's Ensemble - Sugerik
4) --- It's screwed up as of now ---

Drop me a line and let me know if you got anything with my sorry ass.

Later On ..

Stefanie

Well .. Yesterday was interesting. Jen picked me up around 6 and we just hung out and what not. Played some video games and shit. Then Johnny called and we had to go pick him up. That was exciting .. Not. He's an idiot. And I don't like him. He wierds me out. So then we went over to Sister Dawn's house. Dan and Georgia Slut  were there. It sucked. They .. Um .. Slept together .. While I was in the next room. Can't you just tell how awesome I think this all is? My heart was ripped out last night. It still hasn't hit me, but I've dreamt and thought about it all day. I miss him so much and he has hurt me so much. I feel so torn. Nothing's right. He tried to talk to me when I first got there but a bunch of people just came out and I gave up. He got mad about something. I think Leah and him got into some sort of disagreement, and last night was also her last night here so .. Yeah .. But .. He tried to give me a hug goodbye and I just shook his hand instead. I don't have the strength to hold him right now .. I fear I may never let him go. I feel really heartbroken and I don't know what to do with myself.

I am lost.

Someone find me .. Please ..

Stefanie

So yesterday topped off the day before being shitty. My life really really does suck right now. Thank God I have people like Jen, Melissa, Graham, Kasey, and Dustin in my life. Kasey and Dustin came and picked me up and dragged my ass to the beach. It was alright. I was still sad and I still cried, even though I was out on a beautiful day. I just can't seem to get over how bad Dan screwed me over. And then I came back home and I found out that Melissa stopped by because she knew how upset I was .. The girl drove all the way out here just to make sure I was alright and I wasn't even home. So Melissa .. I love you. Thank you, you have definatley proven yourself to be one of my truest friends.

So Jen came and picked me up and we got Graham and went down to the SoapBox. Dustin was going to come but him and Kasey were hanging out until 11-ish. So when Dustin showed up to hear me sing .. I was estatic. I about cried then. I can't believe he came down. We sang "Summer Nights" from Grease and Christie said we sang good together. Then we all just hung out and everything. It was so good to get my mind off of everything. I was just starting to enjoy myself when we were going to Waffle House to get some grub. I was starving.

So we walk into Waffle House .. And guess who we saw. Dan and Georgia Slut. Oh yeah. My appetite went out the walking out the door. I about bust into tears. No one will ever understand how hard it was for me to not cry .. To not run up to him and fall into his arms like I did so well .. To not want to walk over and slap the hell out of him .. To not go up to him and plant one on him, a nice big wet one, in front of Georgia Slut. But I didn't. I just stood there for a good minute and stared. He didn't notice I was there .. Until Jen walked up and sat beside him at the table while Dustin, Graham, and I sat down at one a few tables down. I buried my head in Dustin's shoulder and forced myself to hold back the tears.

So it was really hard. And what made me angry about it .. Was that she wasn't that pretty. Graham and Dustin both agreed that I was much better looking, but Jen said she had an awesome personality. And I know that Dan liked me because I had spunk. Not because I had boobs.

So we took Graham home and then Dustin, Jen, and I went over to Joel's house to watch a movie. Me and Dustin passed out real early. Haha .. he slept on te couch and I slept on the damn uncomfortable floor. Jen and I baked brownies today and talked about the Dan situation.

I definately know now that I would take him back .. I think I fell a little too hard for my own good. Because right now I feel like a lost puppy.

I don't want pity. I can hold my own. I am an independent girl. I am stronger than anyone thinks I am. I will make it past these hard times though I know hang my head low. Even though Dan has hurt me beyond belief .. My Dad and I are having major problems with certain things .. And just the every day drama of life is shitty. I will survive.

So yes, I do appreciate the words of encouragment from my friends but honestly -- All any of you are going to do is tell me something I already know .. Most of you that post on here are younger than I .. Though you have had your share of experiences and are older than your age says .. I am still further beyond you. I've been chewed up. Swallowed. And then spat back out. I've been through Hell and back numerous times. I love you all dearly .. But advice right now isn't going to convince me to do anything. I'm following my heart, and oddly enough my heart is telling me that Dan and I can work things out.

But I do have a question that puts you in my sitatution. I'd like to know how you would react to all of this. Literally, all I know is falling apart. How do you handle it?

Once again .. I have a cold cold heart today.

Stefanie